Today, i Will!

This last week was a doozy. I am preparing for speaking engagements at the beginning of the month (KU Athletic Department's career night and a William Burroughs tribute night), I made hand made Pizza, Pierogies, and Pasta with my 2 year old daughter Francesca, and I brought Francki along as I finished up a contracting gig. Yet I find self doubt sinking in on a fairly regular basis. This transition from work a day laborer to entrepreneur ain't easy. And the hardest part may be the work to do inside my head.

Redefining success in my life is a constant struggle these days. No matter how much I do the things that will help propel my new career, the voice in my head continues to remind me that I am not getting paid, I am not providing for my daughter, I am not, I am not, I am not...

But what I am doing is learning.

Learning how to be patient with myself

Learning how to be supportive of myself

Learning how to disconnect the judgment within from my Sense of Self

These are the lessons I want to pass down as my legacy. I want to allow my unfinished nature to be seen. I want to share my insecurities with the community I live in. I want to allow others to come to my rescue and share with me the joy that comes from aiding another.

I find myself caught inside a Venn Diagram. I exist in the space where presentation and identity meet. How can the man the world sees be so strong, but the man I feel within be so weak? Am I being patient as I decide what paths to explore or am I purely petrified to move out of fear of failure? Will the experience of enriching the lives of those around me ever truly feel like success or will I need a number to be attached to it? Will I ever feel comfortable with a working existence that is a perpetual cycle of personal days?

Today I make a decide...

iT doesn't matter.

Today I will fill my day with me.

Today I will prepare for the future.

Today I will give myself an allowance, and allow myself to Be.